It ain’t all my fault

I have a secret to tell you, dude. But, hey, promise me that you don’t tell my parent. It’s kinda crap thing. Perhaps this shit may arouse nauseating repugnance in you. But if you really want to hear this lousy thing of mine…ok! Lemme start! Umm…my name is Dorji Tobden Ningtob and a Class 12 student of Motithang HSS. I am just 16 now.

Well, it’s also pretty nice to tell you that what a lousy student I am, a student tagged “below average” by my teachers. My teachers quite expect me to do well in school-develop civic sense, score good in tests and exams, do homework sincerely and perform well in extra-curricular activities. And it’s quite stupid that each time I land up doing just opposite.  

Shit….that my parent also has huge expectations from me. It creaks like hell when they always demand me to get “high marks”, be “knowledgeable”, qualify to a good college and get a dignified job. They are sort of too much bothered about my growth and the foods I take and always want me to stay away from addictions and gang fights. Alright! To tell you frankly, my parents are very protective but they demean me each time they direct me like to a 6-year old kid. “Do this”, “Don’t do that”, “Good for you”, “Bad for you”. If there’s one thing to hate, it’s their goddamn advice.

And like crazy, often I take that crap “banned” stuffs called drugs and cigarette. All my friends are kind of “psycho” and troublesome, and I pretty love to do what they do and feel awesome to be in their company.

Oh, ya, the policymakers and the law of my country want me to inculcate GNH values, preserve our culture and be a productive and patriotic citizen. Oof! Man, see now, I am not as carefree and as useless as you think. I too have many wishful expectations from different stakeholders to uphold, and shit responsibilities that drag me nuts.

Hang on, man…I too have many things to bother about myself. Studies and good job are my top priority, but I am also equally concerned about my body image and sexuality. I love to look damn slim and tall and wear the trendiest clothes and look superb “cool”. Ha-ha!

You’re damn right if you’re thinking that I have a girlfriend. This is the fourth girlfriend of mine, the first one being when I was in Class III. My parents and teachers are “touchy” on this matter, but all time I am horsing around with girls. And of course I do carry condoms in my purse, but mostly land up having unprotected sex. I am damn careless!

Now, dude, you must have this judgment in your head that I am a lousy student, a bad son and irresponsible and unpatriotic young man. Huh! It ain’t all my fault. But tell me one thing, why the expectation of my parents, teachers and entire society juxtapose to what I think and do. Is it coz I don’t understand them or vice versa? Or value of conflict?

But, hey, I want to let you know that I have no dearth of problems and opinions that I can’t share with my parents and teachers. Yuck! Even if I do, they won’t take it seriously and understand my feelings. You know that at this knocker age, I undergo biological changes, it’s onset of my puberty. And I just fear what’s this coz my parent never talks openly with me. I swear to God, this is not even in the syllabus of my school textbooks. So how should I understand this? From whom?

Have you realized one thing about my parents from this shit talk? My parent always looks for my future but sadly they forget my present. They want me to do well in exam, get a good job and become a responsible man. What the heck! And it creaks like a bastard.

Actually, I want my parent to feel, understand and explore the difficulties I am experiencing now. I terribly want them to respect me as a unique individual. Darn! I don’t want them being judgmental, giving me advice, presumptive or assumptive and providing me ready made solutions. I want them to clarify my conflicting issue and help me discover alternative ways of managing myself and my crap situations, so that I can decide what course of action or behavior is helpful to me.

Here, my dad says that he grew up in a safe environment. In his time, he narrates, there was no TV and its influences, no gang culture and substance abuse, and no HIV/AIDS. Unlike him, I live in a damn changing world where I am virtually vulnerable. Now I am transiting into new roles in society. Next summer I will be joining college. I love to be a guitarist and want to join music school, but for Chrissake, my parents pressurized me like hell to join engineering college.

Tell me, dude, what I do now….

Being Ugly is a Terrible Curse?

Following is a chat history between me and TsheYring, a postgraduate student (social works) in India. Also, she was one of the top three finalists at Miss Bhutan Beauty Pageant 2008. Very beautiful and generous with charismatic personality, she is actively involved in various social activities like counseling HIV/AIDS patients, helping orphans and poor at  various slums in Delhi. She blogs about issues related to women in Bhutan. She is also aiming her big dream of coming up with Cornea Association in Bhutan soon. In a chat below, she questioned the biased stereotype perception of men’s attraction towards beautiful girls to date.

TsheYring: Would you love the fragrance of flower or its color? 

Riku: Color! And both if given two options. But what trick’s here? 

TsheYring: No trick!

Riku: Then? I chose color…

TsheYring: OK! Now tell me one thing…

Riku: Sure

TsheYring: If you date a girl…umm…what would you look into that girl? You’ve just  seen that girl a couple of times

Riku: I go for looks of that girl, beauty first. But what attracts me afterwards is her personality, character

TsheYring: Tell me frankly la…honestly! So…You think firstly a girl has to be pretty to date. Is that what you want to say, right? And what is a beautiful girl to you?

Riku: Correct! A beautiful girl is a joy to behold. She is exciting, mesmerizing and is slim, spotless and stunning of form and of countenance.

TsheYring: Mmm…So you mean every girl needs to be pretty to go for date?

Riku: For me, it is must; the first criteria that I look for in a girl to date. But if this pretty girl appeared dumb, snobbish, immoral or full of vanity or has promising ego then I may lose interest in her. However, presentable looks can do

TsheYring: Don’t talk about that right now

Riku: OK! I promise

TsheYring: Mmmm…So now if I generalize all men want pretty girl for date nee? Can I interpret this way?

Riku: Don’t. This is my opinion, but, yeah, most men would rather date a beautiful girl than a less attractive girl. It is to impress their friends, I think.

TsheYring: Alright! Particularly for you the looks of a girl is must

Riku: Men go for pretty girl to date, but for serious relationship they usually go for the history or character of a girl

TsheYring: Ok, you are giving me two concepts. Now honestly tell me…

Riku: I will. Ask me, my opinion, not general

TsheYring: Would you love a deformed girl?

Riku: Ah! [I scratched my head] It’s conditional. Umm…[I murmured].

TsheYring: Tell me. Tell me!

Riku: I can give my love as a protector, parental one, but as a lover… Ha-ha!

TsheYring: She will be physically challenged, but has perfect character, pure, lovely and starkly clean history. Will you date and marry her?

Riku: Hey, I will relate you an incident. Suppose that I have a beautiful girlfriend or fiancee or wife but after a few years she meets a dreadful accident which paralyzes or deforms her. In this case, I will still accept her, love her as before

TsheYring: Listen to me! She will be untouched, very chaste. Would you accept her, love and live with her forever?

Riku: Ha-ha!

Tsheyring: You changed the situation now. So that means the priority is for pretty girls nee?

Riku: Hey, I can’t date a deformed girl and marry her even if she was chaste or kindhearted. I can’t. Never!

TsheYring: Tell me, why do you want to date pretty girls? That means love is only for pretty girls? Do you think in this world there’s space for only those pretty girls for love and happiness? Are they just worth?

Riku: Umm… Ugly girl is simply ugly, doesn’t have outward beauty. If she is beautiful, her beauty is within. What about you? You go for only good looking men to date?

TsheYring: Answer me, Riku! But mind you, the success of a relationship is not dependent on the physical appearance of a girl. What makes girl astounding is not her looks, it’s her overall outlooks on life. She has true beauty if she has beautiful heart. The truth is that outward beauty go stale with age. Whereas, inner beauty lasts forever. Ultimately, what matters is the joy and radiance she brings to your home and to your life.

Riku: Whatever, you have strikingly jabbed at me with this pertinent question. This question has to be asked to all men with such prejudiced perception about girls. However, I can partly blame our ancestors for prioritizing only those pretty girls. They should have treated all girls equally, with same respect despite diagnosing beauty and ugly. So that I wouldn’t have prioritized beautiful girl and feel disgusted at ugly.

TsheYring: Well, you’ve rightly pointed my next question. But first, ask yourself. What do you really want from out of the relationship? A home of happiness and success or a girl you can stare at all day for her beauty but who doesn’t have a clue how to make you happy or how to manage a home or simply unfaithful to you.

Riku: But it will be a difficult for the 21st Century men to change this mentality. It’s ingrained in our minds.

TsheYring: How do you define ugly? What is ugly for you? Ha-ha! You know what we called this in social term?

Riku: Not exactly

TsheYring: Those people who have such biased perception are known as the people who have VESTED INTEREST

Riku: Oh! And it also didn’t spare me. I too profess this belief. Ha-ha! And I see myself as a victim of this prejudiced perception

TsheYring: Exactly! You know we people are really hypocrite. We speak good, act generous, impartial, yet deviant nature or crooked intention lies within us. 

Riku: Right. We really need to change our attitude towards life and society

TsheYring: We are choosy and hypocrite. We are not what we portray to other. That’s why we are known as human beings.

Gelephu Town: Resurrected in a Different Shape

Giri, a teacher from Rangia, India who visited Gelephu after 20 years with his family was astounded when he found comparatively less crowds and shops in Gelephu. He couldn’t digest the fact the Gelephu Town had become so deserted, lost its past glory. He went around desperately and asked some shopkeepers about the crowds and businesses of the town which had disappeared so abruptly.

                                                        Pic: Deserted Gelephu Town

The 52-year-old Gelephu Town had disappointed many hearts. The town wasn’t the way it is now. It was a busiest business hub in our country just a half decade ago and of course a core commercial centre for the businessmen from Bumthang, Trongsa, Dagana, and Tsirang.

“People from all parts of the central Bhutan would come loaded with sacks of cardamom, pears, orange, ginger, and forest products and sell them here. In return, they would take back home salt, sugar, oil, and clothes,” reminisced 70-year-old Bontiq Majji, one of the oldest shopkeepers of the town.

He added, “They would even hold night and enjoy watching films and mela and spend all their left over money on drinking and shopping spree. Even people from as far as Thimphu and Trashigang used to come here to experience the thrill the town used to offer them.”

Ugyen, 34, recollects how agitated he and his friends would be just going shopping at Gelephu Town. The town was always lively with activities and huge crowd. “The other great activity that would create even more excitement was the Losal Cinema Hall. People from all over would gather here and it was fun to watch the Hindi films and the crowd too,” Ugyen said.

Beside Bhutanese, people from the border towns of Dhatghari and Bongaigoan would depend on Gelephu Town for daily supplies of clothes and edibles. Traders and businessmen would come from India and install business in Gelephu because business was profitable here.

The town started disfiguring its past glory since 1990. Since then Gelephu was in the news for all the wrong reasons. The insurgent of southern problem in 1990, the troubled situation in the neighboring Indian State of Assam, the outburst of bombs in 2003, the war in 2004 with ULFA and armed men across the border robbing the residents disgraced the Town ruthlessly.

Deeply troubled by the frequent violence, people knew life in Gelephu would be a dangerous and they abandoned it. Only people with land, buildings, and official duty stayed back.

Many young ones were pushed away when all the factories (match factory, sugar factory, bricks factory, and poultry farms) which had generated a lot of employment were shut down consecutively. Unsure of their future, young people started boarding the buses to other dzongkhags in search of employment and a safer place of education.

Then the business also shifted to Dhatghari, the border town of India. Many other Bhutanese businessmen shifted their business elsewhere. The vegetable market which used to be very jam-packed remains less than half filled today.

For the past 20 years Gelephu Town has shown no improvement. However, the dreary town has now acquired a new, positive image. Gelephu has triumphantly conquered its infamous past and resurrected in a different form.

With lighter population density and of course lesser young people, the town is free of drug abusers, sex workers, and violence. “It is safer for the women and old people to go out on a walk around or on the streets till late night,” 62-year-old retiree said proudly.

Monthly town cleaning campaign organized by Sarpang Dzongkhag Administration brightens the town month after month reducing the malaria and TB patients’ mortality rate.

Apart from the coming up domestic airport, the new multi-million town planning is sprucing up the town in a new look making it the second National City in the country.

“Unlike other towns of our country, Gelephu is less polluted and noisy. Now people started purchasing land and constructing buildings. Gelephu shows bright hope,” a resident told me.

Eat poison, but sprout stronger, beautiful like a peacock

Apprehensive about the voodoo of unending depression that I was undergoing, Sonam Tashi, a friend of mine (senior journalist working with Bhutan Times) wrote a letter of consolation to me, a prodigy in its disposition. This letter was timely that helped me throw away the depression that has blanketed me in recent time. Read it below, the best letter I have ever received in my life: 

Dear Rikku,

A rendezvous of two lovers, once a joyous place, has now turned to a graveyard. With the tall grasses in Kanglung, his pains are growing within. He had never dreamt or imagined that the face of his love could change within a flick of time. Here, another great man fell in love and now I see him sinking in the sea of betrayal and heartbroken.

I have a message for you and a story to share, my friend. Maybe it can help to bring back your spirit of life.

It was a beautiful April night, back at Sherubtse college, when I too fell in love. Like in a maxim that says a pure love takes years to sprout in our hearts or like the roses outside my classroom, my love for my ladylove bloomed big and deep. You know it very well man. As you too were there, then. This was the time when I started singing incomplete love songs of 'The Beatles'. That time I flew with the colorful butterflies and slept on the ocean of dreams.

Every time I kissed her, I felt like I was experiencing the joy of the Heaven, that of cosmic atmosphere. Without a taste of her sweet lips, I couldn’t go to sleep. Such was my love for my ladylove that I didn’t mind waiting for her hours outside her hostel room, braving monsoon rain and summer heat. Such was my love for her that I could run without meals for days to keep her happy, and such was my love for her that even I dared to sacrifice my life for her without regret. Perhaps it was too much, I realized now, but the truth is that I loved her wholeheartedly, unconditionally.

My friend, you know that the day when she showed me her back, it was disheartening, devastating. Really devastating! Thousand bells rang in my ears and I felt a very painful experience of my soul leaving my body. Then, horrific darkness embraced me completely.

I didn’t know whom to blame. Certainly, she was the first person to be accused for no man has a heart to take love for granted and she betrayed a heart that loves her unconditionally. Indeed, the guy who played a dirty game between us was also be blamed for he tricked the two harmonious lovebirds deliberately though he could not hold her for long. For she wasn’t of his type, mentally. But the huge blame came back to me like a boomerang for I gave my heart unconditionally, selflessly.

"There's something wrong in me," I contemplated recklessly. Why me of the whole world? Why me? The fate punished me for giving my heart to her, I reasoned it as unfair treatment from God.

You know my friend, down along the Viewpoint road at several nights, I used to walk alone talking and of course consoling my ravaged heart, “Hey! Why are you crying? It's OK man. You will build a new life, oblivion of your infamous past.” But my heart kept crying uncontrollably like an infant whose mom had left him alone in adversity.

Up above Khangma, I used to strolled solitary like a ghostly figure, brushing against gentle wind whispering to it to carry my earnest message to my ladylove: “Your heart was not so bad but your mind is. Why suddenly and why didn’t you tell me before so that I would have been prepared?”

And I believed the gentle wind did convey my message to her but she never came back to me. For years, I waited for her.

Hey, but it is also true that with the changing seasons, she started fading away slowly from my memory. And my heart no longer craves for her. Today, I hardly remember her and her once sweet smiles.

For these long years, more than half a decade, I had been single. Every time I see women from that angle, I remember those sleepless nights, crying all time, suffering. Today, my mood hardly swings because I have no love life to bother me and I am happy to be single. Seriously, now, I can focus on my works and excel my interest.

You asked me how I could forget her completely. Ask me? It wasn’t easy, though. I had recalled all those bad things that she did unto me when we were together. It is always not easy to forget if you flashback all those good things she did for you. The moment she came on my mind, I used to recall those pricking words that she used to uttered to me and her awkward gestures.

Thus, slowly, I could forget her. Today as she is no more with me, I sometimes smile in sheer fondness recollecting how she used to cry when I failed to meet her or forgot to gift her with a rose on the Rose Day.

Friend, if you still cannot forget her, spend your time with your friends. They will cheer you up. We have a nice, supportive bunch of friends.

Seriously, life is beautiful with or without women. It depends upon one’s take. For me, it’s more beautiful without women but I am also prepared to spend my life with a decent woman.

Cheers!!!

Wow!

The best shots of the spectacle wondrous Thimphu City ever taken:

We rock BFF!

I thought my life had come to a disastrous end yesterday. Never in my life did I feel so wretched and horribly lonely. I buried myself in unending remorse and had lived in limbo. The same day, I lost the odyssey of my seven years of proverbial beautiful love life. The unforgivable situation left me with no room for way back into love. Truly, it was a tragic déjà vu for me. Also, my otherwise very good terms with my parents and siblings have been ruthlessly ruined.

But out of sheer amazement, as if like a divine intervention, my friends saved me from this limbo. They showed me, amorously, the meaning and beauty of life. They goaded me that life is precious, to live, not to waste.

Last evening one of my friends had canceled his important appointment and spent all night with me. Another friend of mine whose assignment was to submit next day fled from his hostel to give me company.

Though raining and unbearably cold outside, they took me around the market for shopping, introduced me to read ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’, treated me with delightful dinner in a restaurant and then to have arra at their house. They also took me for drive, and then introduced me to some “decent” girls. Ha-ha! Guys, you can do what not for me to uplift my ravaged spirit.

Two of them appeared like Robin Hoods of my ravaged soul, or Messiah to save me from the grave consequences.

It was midnight that we returned to RIM to drop one of my friends in his hostel. Due to tight security as all the trainees were restricted moving after 9 PM, we attempted shortcut from other end of the institute. Like a bunch of notorious high school students, we climbed and jumped over the two-meter high RIM security-tight fence. We were seemingly drunk that we tumbled over the fence and injured our legs. Though hurt, we let out a laugh for a silly reason: looking at each other how we stumbled from the fence.

We were like young children running for the sweets as their parents returning from the market that we ran across the soccer field of RIM. We laughed wildly, childishly, as we ran in the field. Again we tumbled over the mud and mud-stained our clothes. The laughter was a volcano of happiness erupting in me. This brought a great measure of comfort in my heart. Rays of light came alive in me: HOPE.

I forgot completely that I was lonely and rejected. I instantly discovered my life so beautiful, this universe so warm and my friends so loving. My friends care for me, they want me.

Drunk, we knocked the hostel door and disturbed the inmates. We shouted in the room like a bunch of vulgar Indians. We left the hostel until Hostel dodam intervened and requested us to leave the hostel.

Another friend of mine branded us BBF (Best Friends Forever). We will always be best friends. We rock! And we will always rock.

In Urban Jungle Humans have Tiger face

Sitting on a dried wood at hilltop above Kuensel Phodrang, I was looking at the spectacle wondrous and awe-inspiring Thimphu City. Thimphu City was picture perfect in the evening from that bird-eye view to sit and watch. In a glance I viewed whole city and I felt like I had grasped the instant glorious beauty and happiness of the world.

Unlike before; however, this evening the splendor of the City nabbed my heart, but only for a flashing moment. The City aroused a very strange considerate understanding in me.

I was on the same spot, a couple of months ago, but with my friends. Then, we were snacking and drinking wine and also were implicated listening to latest songs played from the cell phones. We admired looking at the majestic Thimphu City adorned with limitless lights, colorful buildings, bridges and moving vehicles. What a stunning city!

However, this evening like a disgruntled angel irked by fraudulent nature of humans, I stood grumbling at hilltop oblivious to magnificent beauty of the City. It was a strange wakefulness for me, though. I felt as if I were waking up from an enchanted slumber. The City in front of my eyes appeared a bit unreasonable-bewildering, even enigmatic.

Since early 1980s, Thimphu has been maneuvering towards ambitious target of urbanization and powerful development. It cleansed itself from the shabby jungles and forests. It chased away or ravaged those hostile wild animals from its territory. Now there’s no seeing of poisonous snakes, vampiric leeches and beers, no existence of monstrous tigers and lions, and rampaging elephants.

The City is now wholly inhibited by the superior and civilized beings called human beings.

A casual notorious thought did spark over my mind. How many of the superior beings in that City would be making love at present? Ha-ha! This came to my mind uncontrollably. Pardon me!

I scanned the City-from north Trashichoedzong to south Babesa. Mostly educated and rich Bhutanese live with most sophisticated living standard here. Yet the City appeared to me a mere jungle. Urban Jungle, my conscience named the City. In this Urban Jungle people have tiger face.

Tigers and lions kill and eat their preys; human beings here diabolically stamp on each other to climb up social ladder or in want of more wealth and fame. We don’t have leeches or vampire that suck blood, but even close friends, relatives or lovers inexorably attack to suck one another’s blood. More horrific, as they are in a human face and hungrily suck blood to their fill (for their pleasure and advantage). Their hostile attitude stinks.

Venomous snakes in Thimphu Street are unseen yet many city dwellers or inhabitants (especially frustrated youth) conjure a poisonous threat as the deadly snakes. You don’t have to provoke them. They hiss at you and bite you brutally for no reason. Even the senior civil servants in volcanic anger are more scornful and threatening as a toxic snake.

Wild beers, though unnoticed, appeared in the street but in human face. Those misogynistic unruly men can molest or rape if found women walking alone late night in the street. Also, the City stopped orthodoxy beliefs in witch craft. But here many beautiful women live who are often deadlier than the witches we heard in the stories back in villages. These gorgeous women cast a spell and hex men using their sorcery of hypnotizing beauty. She sucks blood, eats his peace and robbed properties and ruins all his life.

There isn’t any jumbo elephant rampaging your homes and crops, but enough are those people who sabotage and raid others’ homes and properties.

Alas! Humans have become more callous and heartless than most beastly wild animals. Cognizant of all this, my heart sunk with rage, desolation and apathy. A forlorn hope of returning to the City where I live that I decided to live with starry and cloudless night at hilltop. Crickets swirled around me, birds returning to their resting place, chirped from the bushes and trees nearby.

Tears welled in my eyes, I screamed at the Thimphu City, “I will not return to you. Never! You have accumulated and favored the most hypocrite living beings. They are worst than most hostile wild animals. They are insane. I love to stay here in the company of the wild.”

Special thanks to Sonam Dendup, Legal Officer, Thimphu Dzongkhag Administration for his kind ideology and help in writing this article.

I too have a love story!

It was eight years ago at Jakar HSS in Bumthang. I was so young yet impulsive, so innocent yet very passionate, so tender yet very determined. To me, then, the real challenges and sufferings of this world were unheard and unknown.

I lived in a mere perception that our life was “beautiful”. I lived to make merry, and nothing more. To be happy was my maxim. No menacing covetousness and aspiring dreams ever pervaded me from that beautiful existence.

Exams, therefore, were temporary villain in my beautiful world, concerning me little of passing to next grade. But it was a minimal sacrifice I offered at the end of each year. Rest of the year I would be merry-making, though. I never bothered about the marks and ranks I acquired after each examination. Securing a pass mark was obvious goal for me.

Although bunking many classes and study hours or not studying even during the exam times, it was easy for me to score good marks to step into next grade. There were a handful of mates who were like me and we called ourselves “intelligent lot”.

This was the time when I fell in love madly with a girl same like me. It’s a cold winter, just a week left for us to appear common exam, the ultimate decider of rest of our life. I held her arms after gathering the guts of the world to confess my undeclared love. Outside, it was extremely cold, dews blanketed on dry grass blades and the wintry breeze blowing from the south. Students horsing around and rattling their plates were lining up for the dinner (kharang and pumpkin curry). Some would be carrying green chili, other taking packets of red chilli powder in their plates to have it with dinner. A piece of chili or a spoon of powder would be a great appetizer for us.

It was my first love, but not the love at first sight. I was shivering so vibrantly, nervous too. I was very weak and timid in this business-love. Perhaps I was proposing a girl for the first time. Never did I know that proposing a girl was so herculean task. It took me about two years to declare my love. But I was doing that day.

In a sheer disbelief, I proposed her, confessed my love. I felt perfectly relieved.

But I was persistently bothered and worried about the rejection. What if she denied my love? What if she had just thought and was treating me “only” as “a good friend”, and nothing more. It would ruin our three-spring good friendship; apparently ruining her trust on me.

I thought, instantly, that I made the greatest mistake of my life, and I started repenting never like before.

“I love you too!” from that small and innocent lips of hers sounded reverberating in my tensed heart. A huge emotion of joy gushed into my heart that I experienced the world of happiness and love, very true, very spiritual.

This love had no ounce of lust, no intention of hurting each other. As innocent, as immature, as pure as our untainted mind we surrendered our hearts for each other, trusting wholly.

We, then, prayed and promised that we will never go apart. We shared limitless immortal love notes which words can never express. Hand-in-hand or in each others' bosom, we chanted the prayer of love. We took an oath, that, whatever the circumstances, we will always walk together the journey of this life and die old together.