Monday, May 16, 2011

It ain’t all my fault

I have a secret to tell you, dude. But, hey, promise me that you don’t tell my parent. It’s kinda crap thing. Perhaps this shit may arouse nauseating repugnance in you. But if you really want to hear this lousy thing of mine…ok! Lemme start! Umm…my name is Dorji Tobden Ningtob and a Class 12 student of Motithang HSS. I am just 16 now.

Well, it’s also pretty nice to tell you that what a lousy student I am, a student tagged “below average” by my teachers. My teachers quite expect me to do well in school-develop civic sense, score good in tests and exams, do homework sincerely and perform well in extra-curricular activities. And it’s quite stupid that each time I land up doing just opposite.  

Shit….that my parent also has huge expectations from me. It creaks like hell when they always demand me to get “high marks”, be “knowledgeable”, qualify to a good college and get a dignified job. They are sort of too much bothered about my growth and the foods I take and always want me to stay away from addictions and gang fights. Alright! To tell you frankly, my parents are very protective but they demean me each time they direct me like to a 6-year old kid. “Do this”, “Don’t do that”, “Good for you”, “Bad for you”. If there’s one thing to hate, it’s their goddamn advice.

And like crazy, often I take that crap “banned” stuffs called drugs and cigarette. All my friends are kind of “psycho” and troublesome, and I pretty love to do what they do and feel awesome to be in their company.

Oh, ya, the policymakers and the law of my country want me to inculcate GNH values, preserve our culture and be a productive and patriotic citizen. Oof! Man, see now, I am not as carefree and as useless as you think. I too have many wishful expectations from different stakeholders to uphold, and shit responsibilities that drag me nuts.

Hang on, man…I too have many things to bother about myself. Studies and good job are my top priority, but I am also equally concerned about my body image and sexuality. I love to look damn slim and tall and wear the trendiest clothes and look superb “cool”. Ha-ha!

You’re damn right if you’re thinking that I have a girlfriend. This is the fourth girlfriend of mine, the first one being when I was in Class III. My parents and teachers are “touchy” on this matter, but all time I am horsing around with girls. And of course I do carry condoms in my purse, but mostly land up having unprotected sex. I am damn careless!

Now, dude, you must have this judgment in your head that I am a lousy student, a bad son and irresponsible and unpatriotic young man. Huh! It ain’t all my fault. But tell me one thing, why the expectation of my parents, teachers and entire society juxtapose to what I think and do. Is it coz I don’t understand them or vice versa? Or value of conflict?

But, hey, I want to let you know that I have no dearth of problems and opinions that I can’t share with my parents and teachers. Yuck! Even if I do, they won’t take it seriously and understand my feelings. You know that at this knocker age, I undergo biological changes, it’s onset of my puberty. And I just fear what’s this coz my parent never talks openly with me. I swear to God, this is not even in the syllabus of my school textbooks. So how should I understand this? From whom?

Have you realized one thing about my parents from this shit talk? My parent always looks for my future but sadly they forget my present. They want me to do well in exam, get a good job and become a responsible man. What the heck! And it creaks like a bastard.

Actually, I want my parent to feel, understand and explore the difficulties I am experiencing now. I terribly want them to respect me as a unique individual. Darn! I don’t want them being judgmental, giving me advice, presumptive or assumptive and providing me ready made solutions. I want them to clarify my conflicting issue and help me discover alternative ways of managing myself and my crap situations, so that I can decide what course of action or behavior is helpful to me.

Here, my dad says that he grew up in a safe environment. In his time, he narrates, there was no TV and its influences, no gang culture and substance abuse, and no HIV/AIDS. Unlike him, I live in a damn changing world where I am virtually vulnerable. Now I am transiting into new roles in society. Next summer I will be joining college. I love to be a guitarist and want to join music school, but for Chrissake, my parents pressurized me like hell to join engineering college.

Tell me, dude, what I do now….